- Social weirdness
- May 31st, 20:25
My neighbors a few blocks away are having some sort of party that involves a competition (I think) as there is cheering and yelling and general mayhem. It may not be a dance party as the sound system has started up.
Disjointed thoughts about socializing:
- I like the idea of spontaneous hanging out, but it seems like it doesn't happen a lot with my friends. That could be because we're so spread out, not just around Baltimore but around the state (and DC). But the thought of someone calling and saying, "Hey, how about I pick up a 6-pack and swing by?" sounds so nice! I need to get to know more people in the neighborhood, because I also like the idea of being able to WALK to see people I know. Crazy talk, I know.
- Also, I am amazed by parties or hanging out events where people make music, or sing, or are otherwise performative. Maybe it's because I'm not a musician so the idea of making music at the drop of a hat intrigues me. I don't come from a family that does that, either, the closest we got was singing Happy Birthday. I have this idea of fire pit, music, drumming, whatever hang outs. There are occasionally ones I could attend but, ah, are not always with a crowd with whom I'm close (I'll put it that way).
- In general I'd like to "entertain" more, from sit down dinners to casual get togethers, except the idea of them stresses me out! We have two events a year at the house, the troupe's Inappropriate Hafla and the holiday Cookie Party, and prep for them bugs the crap out of me. Part of that is because J is terrible at helping out without me keeping on top of him, and part of it is because I have this arbitrary internal standard I'm trying to meet that I cannot figure out.
- It may sound silly, but I think there is also some holdover outsider feelings from when I was a teenager. I rarely invited myself along to social things without being asked because I assumed if I wasn't asked then the person/people in question didn't want me there. Which is not really true a lot of the time. I worry that if I do ask or invite myself along that people will be thinking, "Crap!". This all stems from my black-sheep-of-our-social-group middle school years, when I was the hippie weirdo in my friends circle and was generally not clued into things.
- Something that also probably stems from that time is not having a life-long best friend. I envy people who have that. I do have friendships where some times they are closer, I think it happens when life circumstances seem to line up just perfectly (as well affection for each other) and there's a lot of hanging out. For me a part of being a grown up has been how to keep friendships strong when circumstances, distance, etc. pull things apart. I find there is value and fun in having friends who've known different aspects of me. And no, if you're wondering, I do not think of J as my best friend. He is definitely my partner and I love him, but it's different.
- Please tell me I'm not the only person who thinks "Best Fucking Friends" every time BFF is used.
- On the other hand I'm trying to be better about getting together with the people to whom I'm always saying, "Hey, we should hang out!" I have a rather large circle of people I hang out with, from close friends to people I've met through dance that I'd like to know better. In fact tomorrow I have brunch and thrifting plans with one of those people; it's time to eat, drink, and do some serious catching up.
It boils down to, yeah, social stuff. Doesn't come naturally to me. No wonder I enjoy being online.